THE EXORCIST

If you ask me, God’s behind it all.

I have a similar theory to The Omen, so stop me if you’ve heard it before. 

Let’s roll down the checklist here: we have Chris MacNeil, a talented actress/mother, who declares her atheism throughout the movie. We have Father Damien Karras, a Harvard graduate in psychology, who is at the end of his rope when it comes to faith in a Higher Power. And we’ve got 12-year old Regan MacNeil who has no hesitation playing with ouija boards. There’s very little chance any of these three are going to be singing “Be Thou My Vision” anytime soon.

If there’s anything I learned from watching Candyman a few days ago, an entity whose power thrives on thoughts and prayers will pretty much do anything to be fed — even if it means throwing a little Old Testament fear around. Enter “The Devil”, zipping into little Regan’s body just to tell you every night is Prom Night for your mom in Hell, and to do things with a crucifix that only the most depraved businessmen pay to have done to them on their lunch break. 

What possible reason would the Devil have to visit these people? The MacNeil’s are as far from the church as they can get. And by all reasoning, he’s kind of already won against Karras before he/she/it even vomits on him. They’re already members of the Apathy For Jesus Club. The only thing the Devil does by showing them his song-and-dance number is actually rekindling their bond with the Almighty. 

What the hell kind of a plan is that?! You want to make someone slide into absolute despair, start raising their taxes while lowering their income. Cut benefits for the elderly, or force someone to choose between eating a meal or taking their heart medication. That’ll delete any faith you have in a Divine Plan faster than you can say “I cast you out!” 

At the end of The Exorcist, Karras dies a martyr (a symbol of the eternal fight between good and evil — and most likely a good warning to the other priests not to step out of line). Chris takes Karras’ medallion, letting us know she now carries the balancing act of Catholic faith and guilt. And Regan, after all she’s been through, sees the priest’s collar and feels only appreciation and warmth. God’s got ‘em all back in the fold. He does work in mysterious ways.