BEST AND WORST REMAKES: WORST #1 – THE WICKER MAN

Why in God’s name did anyone want to remake the Wicker Man? From an economic standpoint, there’s no bank to it. Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Friday the 13th — they’re all long-standing franchises with name recognition and a stream of ancillaries behind them. But the Wicker Man? The Wicker Man’s an arthouse horror film from 1973. Its hero is a no-nonsense, conservative virgin cop who wears buttoned up jammies to bed. Its villains are toothless hippie-pagans that belt out folk songs centered around corn rigs and barley. What the fuck were they thinking?

I don’t have to attest to how much I love the original. My wife can. She’s forced to watch Edward Woodward’s journey of manipulation, humiliation, and obliteration every May Day. The Wicker Man is about religion — but neither Woodward’s monotheistic god nor Christopher Lee’s pagan gods actually exist in this world. The beauty of the Wicker Man is that all men (Christian or Heathen) just use religion like a loaded gun to perpetuate a cycle of power to justify their own means.

The remake, oh God, the remake is completely devoid of anything likable, intelligent or cinematic. Or watchable. It is the worst of the worst on this list of remakes. I have no clue if it’s director (Neil LaBute) is a misogynist, but writing and directing a script where every single woman is a man-hating, manipulative murderer (or accessory to) doesn’t really scream “swipe right” on the Tinder app.

But then nothing makes sense with this production. Released in 2006, five years after the attacks on 9/11, the Wicker Man remake would seem like a no-brainer observance to modern-day religious fanaticism. In fact, that’s probably the only reason to remake the Wicker Man. But no one involved had the balls to put pen to paper to that idea. Instead, we’re forced to watch Nicolas Cage hitting a woman to steal her bicycle, or hitting a woman to steal her bear costume. Or screaming frantically “Oh no, not the bees! Not the bees..!” It’s beyond comical: it’s a satire on how horribly bad remakes can be.

Not the bees, Nic. Not the bees indeed.