JASON BOURNE kind of reminded me of my dog Parker dry humping a pillow: it’s fraught with an unrelenting anxious energy that really builds up to nothing.

I really loved the first three films in the series, especially the first one where the premise and mystery of the character were fresh. Sadly, at this point, both those trains have long since left the station. I could tell you what the plot is about, but you know what? It didn’t really make any sense. I suppose it sounded good on paper, but only if you were alone with some paint thinner and a deadline to write the fifth movie about an amnesiac assassin who keeps having convenient plot-motivated memory flashes while (still) being hunted by the CIA since 2002.

One last thing. You know what’s great in movies? Pauses. Breaks in action. So we can reevaluate the plot and motivation. So we can have a contrast between different emotions the characters might be going through. The pace in this movie. did. not stop. Ever. The frenetic drone of a score. did. not. stop. Ever. The scowl on each characters’ faces (all of them). did. not. stop. Ever.

I can’t wait for JASON BOURNE 6 (aka BOURNE AGAIN), where Jason Bourne loses his memory once again and rediscovers Alicia Vikander can’t do an Irish accent.